Tipanic
by tiffster
Summary: An idiot named Black Awesome goes back in time to the "Tipanic." What else could ensue but chaos? Read and laugh along as Black reeks havoc on the unsuspecting "Titanic" movie characters. Please read and REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

Tipanic

**Tipanic**

**Collide with Stupidity Nothing on Earth Could Comprehend Them**

NOTE: this is written in screenplay format. It's pretty easy to understand. Just so you know INT means interior and EXT means exterior.

INT. WALTER'S LIVING ROOM-AFTERNOON

Walter, a man in his early thirties, sits in an armchair, wearing a suit and tie. He is a very fastidious, straight-laced type of person.

He is in the middle of a conversation with his boss, MR. FUGEHDABOOTIT, on a speaker phone.

MR. FUGEHDABOOTIT

Walter, have you found someone willing to go in the time machine yet?

WALTER

No, sir, I'm afraid not.

FUGEHDABOOTIT

This is getting ridiculous. I spent millions of my own dollars in order to have this time machine built, but it can't even get put into use because no one is willing to back in time on it.

WALTER

Well, I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Fugehdabootit, but not a lot of people are willing to back in time on the Tipanic.

FUGEHDABOOTIT

Enough with your pathetic excuses, Walter! You'll just have to find someone really stupid who doesn't realize or doesn't care about the dangers of traveling on the Tipanic.

WALTER

With all due respect, sir, why can't you just find some other historic event from the past to go back in time to?

FUGEHDABOOTIT

Because I happen to be fascinated with the Tipanic. Of course, I'm not reckless enough to go back to it myself, so you need to find someone and fast, or you're fired…again! Oh, and one more thing, under no circumstances can you reveal the top secret location of my corporation, which is located at 2834 East Pamalamadingdong Street. If word got around about what we were doing, the government would shut us down.

Unfortunately, it is revealed that Walter is not alone in his living room. A bunch of Walter's friends are in the room, and they have all heard where the t corporation is located. They all freeze from what they were doing. One person whips out a NOTEBOOK and pen and proceeds to write down the address.

WALTER

Uh, of course, Mr. Fugehdabootit. I'll make sure to tell no one the top secret location.

FUGEHDABOOTIT

Good, and don't call me again until you've find someone.

He hangs up.

Walter turns to address his friends.

WALTER

All right, guys, I think you'd better leave. I've got work to do.

His friends say their good-byes and leave.

Walter slumps in his chair, looking distressed.

WALTER(CONT'D)

Who could be that stupid?!

CUT TO:

INT. CONVENIENT STORE-DAY

Two employees are working the checkout counter. One of them, BLACK AWESOME, is a loquacious and easy going black man in his early twenties. The other, STAN, is an awkward white guy around the same age.

A nervous looking TEENGE BOY walks into the store. He walks up to Black.

TEENAGE BOY

Do you guys sell condoms here?

BLACK

I'm sorry, man. I didn't quite hear you.

TEENAGE BOY

(strained)

Condoms. Do you sell condoms?

BLACK

Do we sell what?

TEENAGE BOY

Condoms!!

BLACK

Oh, condoms! No, we don't sell any condoms here! But I think the store down the street sells condoms! Lots of condoms!!

The boy leaves in humiliation as the other customers snigger at him.

Black starts laughing hysterically.

BLACK

Man, I love doin' that!

STAN

That was straight-up gangsta brotha!

BLACK

Don't say that again.

STAN

Right, of course. We're still cool though, right?

BLACK

Stan, we ain't neva been cool.

Black glances at his watch.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I'm gonna go. It's my break. I'll see you in ten.

Black walks out of the store right as Walter walks in.

EXT. CONVENIENT STORE PARKING LOT-DAY

Black walks over to his car in the parking lot. He opens the passenger door then opens the glove compartment and pulls out a gun and a ski mask. He shuts the door then pulls the ski mask over his head.

He makes his way back to the store, gun in hand.

INT. CONVENIENT STORE

Black points his gun at Stan

BLACK

Give me all your money!

STAN

Please don't shoot me.

Stan gives Black a weird look.

STAN(CONT'D)

Black?

BLACK

Yes? I mean, who's Black?

STAN

Black, what are you-what's going on?

BLACK

I'm not Black! Now give me all your money!

STAN

You know, before you rob the store that you work at, you might wanna remove your name tag.

Black looks down at his NAME TAG.

BLACK

I knew I was forgetting somethin'! Can I still have all the money?

STAN

I think I'm supposed to call the cops.

Walter walks up to Black and puts a hand on his shoulder.

WALTER

That won't be necessary. I'm a cop. I'll deal with him.

STAN

All right. See ya later, Black!

Walter drags Black away.

EXT. CONVENIENT STORE PARKING LOT

BLACK

Hey wait! Somethin' about this ain't right. I've been arrested before and this ain't how it's done!

WALTER

Shut up.

Walter takes Black to his van and shoves him in the back. He closes the door behind them.

BLACK

Aren't I supposed to be in handcuffs?

WALTER

I left my handcuffs at my girlfriend's place. Anyways, let me get to the point. Do you have any idea how stupid you are?

Black stares at Walter blankly for awhile.

BLACK

Could you repeat the question?

WALTER

Never mind. Look, I'm willing to make a deal with you. You don't have to go to jail if you participate in a time travel experiment.

Black begins to pick at his arm pit. After he's done picking he licks his fingers.

WALTER(CONT'D)

Have you ever heard of the Tipanic?

BLACK

Ain't that a porno?

WALTER

Not quite. It's the greatest ship ever made by the hand of man. It set sail April 10, 1912 and sank April 15, 1912, killing over half the passengers aboard, and I'm going to let you be on it!

BLACK

But I thought you just said it sank in 1912.

WALTER

I know, but I have a time machine that will take you there. So what do you say? It's either Tipanic or prison.

BLACK

Couldn't I die if I went on this Tipanty thing?

WALTER

I'll make sure to transport you back to the present before that happens, so do we have a deal then?

BLACK

Sure, whatever.

WALTER

Splendid! Now, when you get there all you have to do is write down what you see and hear on the trip. That includes people, places, and-

BLACK

Phone numbers?

WALTER

No. Just write down what happens. My boss wants to know what it was really like on the Tipanic, not just what the history books tell you. Can you do that?

BLACK

Of course, but I should tell you I don't know how to write.

Walter stares at Black in shock.

BLACK9CONT'D)

Chill, man. I'm just messin' wit cha!

WALTER

Thank goodness. And the name's Walter, not man.

BLACK

I'm Black Awesome.

WALTER

So, Black, are you ready to go back to Tipanic?

BALCK

What's the Tipanic?

Walter stares at Black incredulously.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I'm just messin' wit cha!

WALTER

Indeed. I'll drive us to the time travel lab then.

EXT. TOP SECRET LAB-AFTERNOON

Walter parks the van in front of the abandoned but well-kept LAB.

Black and Walter exit the van and make their way inside.

INT. TOP SECRET LAB

The LAB is a spacious room with a computer in one corner and a large portal, the TIME MACHINE, in the other.

Walter walks over to the computer and starts typing information.

Black points to the time machine.

BLACK

Is that it?

WALTER

It sure is.

BLACK

It's kinda lame.

WALTER

What? Let me guess, you were expecting a Delorean?

BLACK

Of course…so you made this?

WALTER

No. my boss, Mr. Fugehdabootit did.

BLACK

Why ain't he here?

WALTER

He prefers to stay anonymous.

BLACK

Then you probably shouldn't have told me his name.

WALTER

Fugehdabootit's a common enough name. We shouldn't have any problems.

Walter picks up a leather bound folder and hands it to Black.

WALTER(CONT'D)

Here. Inside is enough paper for you to write down your experiences. I've entered the information into the computer, so you'll be staying in room G-60. That's where you'll be when I transport you. Let's make our way over to the time machine, shall we?

They walk over to the time machine. Black stands under the portal.

On the time machine is KEY PAD. Walter types in: April 10, 1912.

WALTER

Well, it's all set so now all I need to do is press the "GO" button.

BLACK

Wait. This ain't gonna hurt, is it?

Walter shakes his head an emphatic "no".

WALTER

Probably.

Walter presses the GO button. Surges of electricity can be seen and a low HUM can be heard. Then, in the blink of an eye Black is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

CUT TO:

CUT TO:

EXT. SOUTHAMPTON DOCK-DAY

It is April 10, 1912 at Southampton, England, and Tipanic, in all its glory and opulence, rests in the ocean about to be launched.

Hundreds of people crowd the pier next to Tipanic. Some are making their way on board while others are saying their good-byes.

A white RENAULT, followed by a silver-gray DAIMLER-BENZ, plows its way through the crowd of people. They scream and jump out of the way, narrowly avoiding injury.

The Renault stops and the LIVERIED DRIVER proceeds to open the door for a young woman, ROSE DEINSTIGATOR. Rose is about to emerge from the car but, unfortunately, her gargantuan hat gets stuck in the door. She manages to tilt her head to the side, allowing her to awkwardly exit the car.

Rose is dressed immaculately in a gorgeous purple and white outfit. She is a beautiful, red-headed 17- year old.

She gazes up at the ship, unimpressed.

ROSE

I don't see what all the hype is about. It doesn't look any bigger than the Maurtania.

SPICEY LOVETOY, a personal valet, opens the door on the other side for his employer, CALEDON COCKLESS. "Cal" is a 30-year old controlling psychopath who only manages to pass as a sane person because he's so insanely rich. He is also Rose's fiancé.

CAL

It's over a hundred feet longer than Maurtania. For crying out loud, it's the biggest ship in the world!

ROSE

Yes, but will it be big enough to fit your ego?

CAL

What'd you say, sweet bean?

ROSE

Oh…I just said, I think I say an eagle.

CAL

An eagle? In Southampton? Quite impossible.

ROSE

Well, what do I know? After all, I'm only a woman.

CAL

Yes, of course. How kind of you to remember your place, Rose.

Rose's mother, RUTHLESS DEINSTIGATOR, emerges from the car behind them. Ruthless is a pretentious widow in her late forties.

RUTHLESS

So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.

CAL

It is unsinkable. God himself could not sink this ship! Now an iceberg…an iceberg could sink this ship…well, enough chatter! Let's make our way on board.

They make their way toward the first class gangway.

INT. ROOM G-60-DAY

Black lands on the top bunk of a bed in a heap. He takes a second to survey his surroundings. The room is a small and undecorated and painted white.

BLACK

Hell yeah! I made it!

A MAN from the bottom bunk responds in a campy Italian accent.

MAN

You made what?

Black hops off the bed to see who spoke. A young Italian is lying in the bottom bunk. He has dark hair and dark eyes and is in his early twenties.

BLACK

I made it to the past from the future by using a time machine.

MAN

Oh, okay! I'm Spaghettio De Rossi.

BLACK

Black Awesome-so, this room's kinda lame. How 'bout we go walk around the deck?

SPAGHETTIO

No thanks. Lame things tend to gravitate to me anyways. That's probably why I got bunked with you.

BLACK

What did you just say?

SPAGHETTIO

(loudly)

I said, lame things tend to gravitate to me, anyways. That's probably why I got bunked with you!

BLACK

You crazy, man. I like that, but I guess I'll go to the deck by myself.

SPAGHETTIO

But the ship has already set sail so you missed your chance to say arrivederci.

BLACK

I don't care. I just wanna explore this thing before it sinks.

Black opens the door and leaves.

INT. THE BRIDGE-DAY

CAPTAIN SMITHY is standing next to FIRST OFFICER WILLIAM MOREDICK.

For some inexplicable reason Captain Smithy is under the impression that he is a pirate. He sports an eye patch and parades around on a peg leg.

SMITHY

Aaar! Take 'er to sea, Mr. Moredick. Let's spread her legs!

MOREDICK

You mean stretch her legs, sir?

SMITHY

That's cap'n to you! And is that supposed to be some kinda joke because ye know I got a wooden leg?

MOREDICK

No, sir-I mean cap'n. I meant no disrespect. It's just that-

SMITHY

I don't care what ye meant. One more remark like that and you'll be walkin' the plank!

MOREDICK

We have no plank.

SMITHY

Just stretch her legs!

EXT. BOW AREA-DAY

Black is walking around when he spies a man, JACK DAWSON, standing on the bow railing, screaming and flailing his arms like an idiot.

JACK

I'm the king of the world!

BLACK

Dang crazy white people.

Black, wanting to shut up Jakc, takes his leather bound folder and throws it at Jack, not realizing that it falls overboard.

The hit makes Jack lose his balance, and he screams as he falls overboard.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Spaghettio runs up to the bow railing.

SPAGHETTIO

I'll save you!

BLACK

Spaghettio? Where'd you come from?

SPAGHETTIO

Never mind that. I gotta save him even though the fall alone will kill me!

Spaghettio jumps overboard.

Black runs over to the railing and looks over. Spaghettio has managed to survive and he's holding Jack's unconscious body.

SPAGHETTIO

It's all right! He's fine and I'm a good swimmer!

BLACK

But how you gonna get back up here?

SPAGHETTIO

Don't worry. I'll figure something-

Right then, a shark pops out of the water and eats Spaghettio and Jack in one gulp.

Black walks away from the railing like nothing happened. His foot hits something on the deck. He looks down and sees Jack's leather bound folder. Black picks it up not realizing it's not his.

BLACK

Oh yeah.

INT. PALM COURT RESTAURANT- THE NEXT DAY

A group of people consisting of Rose, Ruthless, Cal, BRUCE ISGAY, THOMAS WHOKNEW, and MOLLY BROWNIE, are having lunch.

Isgay, the Managing Director of the White Star Line, is talking.

ISGAY

She is the largest moving object ever made by the hand of man in all history.

Molly speaks, talking with her mouth full of food.

MOLLY

Why is it that men like to call ships she?

ISGAY

I suppose it's because we ride them!

Rose looks at Isgay in disgust, but no one else seem to care. Cal laughs, Molly stuffs her mouth with more food, Ruthless stares blankly ahead, and Whoknew appears to be writing down notes in his folder but is actually playing a game of tic-tac-toe with himself.

Rose, annoyed, lights up a cigarette.

RUTHLESS

You know I don't like that, Rose.

ROSE

Of course. Why else do you think I do it?

CAL

Well, I for one will not put up with second hand smoke.

Cal takes the cigarette from her and puts it out. Then, he takes out his own cigarette, lights it and puffs away.

Molly turns to Isgay.

MOLLY

Say, who thought of the name Tipanic? Was it you, Bruce?

ISGAY

Duh….uh, I mean, yes, actually. I wanted the name to convey overpowering fear, unimaginable terror. You know, the kind of feeling you get when you're on a sinking ship with not enough lifeboats for everyone aboard therefore killing over half the passengers.

CAL

That was oddly specific.

ROSE

Why on earth would you want the ship to convey something so terrible?

CAL

Now, now, Rose. Don't question the man's motives. You're a woman. You just smile and nod.

MOLLY

You gonna cut her meat for her too, there, Cal?

CAL

As opposed to not cutting it all?

At that moment, Molly eats her steak like with both hands, like it's a hamburger.

Rose stands up.

ROSE

Excuse me. I'm gonna throw this up.

She indicated the plate of eaten food then leaves.

MOLLY

She's a pistol, Cal. Sure hope you can handle her.

CAL

I'll handle just as well as I handle my own pistol. I clean it everyday, sometimes twice.

EXT. POOP DECK- NIGHT

Black is sprawled out on one of the benches, fast asleep.

He wakes up, surveying his surroundings.

BLACK

Ah man, did I fall asleep at the park again? Oh, right. I'm on the Tipanic…man, I gotta take a titanic-sized piss.

He walks over to the railing, unzips his fly, and starts to relieve himself when he notices Rose hanging over the railing about to jump.

BLACK

Don't do it!

Black turns his body to face Rose, accidentally showering her with his pee.

The spray of pee causes Rose to lose her balance. She's about to fall overboard, but Black grabs her just in time.

She's dangling overboard. The only thing causing her not to fall is Black's grip on her hand.

ROSE

Help! Help!!

BLACK

What do you think I'm doin'!

Black, with all his strength, pulls her over the railing. They fall together on the deck in a heap, situated so Black is on top of her.

BLACK

Damn, girl! You crazy or somethin'? I'm Black Awesome by the way.

ROSE

Rose DeInstigator…wow! Almost dying like that made me realize how much I don't want to die. You're my hero!

Rose hugs Black, and right at that moment, Cal and Lovetoy appear.

CAL

What the devil is going on? Get your hands off my fiancée! As her fiancé, I'm the only one with the right to sexually harass her.

Rose pushes Black off of her, and they both stand up.

ROSE

Cal, you don't understand.

CAL

Oh, I understand perfectly. Once you go Black you never go back.

BLACK

Hey, how'd you know my name?

ROSE

Cal, listen to me. I was leaning over the railing trying to find Nemo, and I slipped. Luckily, Mr. Awesome was here to save me or I might have gone overboard.

Cal looks at Black.

CAL

Was that the way of it?

BLACK

Yeah, sure, whatever.

CAL

I suppose you'll want to be rewarded for your somewhat heroic act.

He glances at Lovetoy.

CAL

Lovetoy, I think a twenty should do it.

ROSE

Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?

CAL

You're right. What was I thinking?

(to Lovetoy)

Make it a ten.

ROSE

What?!

CAL

Oh all right. You can join us for dinner tomorrow evening, but bring a bib or something.

Cal, Rose, and Lovetoy turn to go.

Black looks down and realizes his fly has been unzipped the entire time.


	3. Chapter 3

INT

INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Rose is sitting down at her vanity, staring at herself in the mirror.

She leans into the mirror and begins to make out with her reflection. Cal walks in so she stops. He comes toward her.

CAL

I know you've been melancholy. And I really don't care why.

From behind his back he reveals a large black velvet jewel case.

CAL(CONT'D)

I intended to save this until the engagement gala next week, but I thought tonight…

He opens the box. Inside is a gaudy heart-shaped necklace.

CAL(CONT'D)

Perhaps as a reminder of my feelings for you. It was worn by Louis the sixteenth. They called Le Coeur de Mon Derrière.

ROSE

The Heart of My Bottom?

CAL

Yes! You see, during the revolution, Louis tried to keep it away from the revolutionists. He knew he was going to have to face the guillotine, so he decided the best way to hide it was to stick it up his anus, hence the name Heart of My Bottom. Unfortunately, Louis didn't know that when you die you defecate yourself. So, it was off with his head and out with the diamond all covered in his feces! I think if you look closely, you can still see some.

ROSE

How…romantic

CAL

Well, it's for royalty. We are royalty. You know there's nothing I couldn't give you. There's nothing I'd deny you…and I mean that from the heart of my bottom…now open your legs for me, Rose.

EXT. BOAT DECK- DAY

Black and Rose walk side by side. Black is in the middle of telling an anecdote.

BLACK

…and then my mama said something about me needing to get an education, so I left that joint and I haven't been back since. Except when I need money…or milk. Well, Rose, we've walked about a mile on this boat deck, talking about how I grew up and how great the weather's been and other stuff I couldn't possibly care less about but something tells me that ain't why you came to talk to me, is it?

ROSE

Mr. Awesome, I-

BLACK

Black!

ROSE

Black… I want to thank you for what you did. Not just for peeing on me but for your discretion.

BLACK

No problem. Brothas pee on the ladies all the time. I mean, look at R. Kelly.

ROSE

Look, I know what you must be thinking! Poor little rich girl. What does she know about misery?

BLACK

No. That's not what I was thinking. What I was thinking was…

SILENCE while Black stares blankly ahead. Rose tries to help him along.

ROSE

What you were thinking was…?

BLACK

I'm sorry. What were we talking about again?

ROSE

Never mind…it's just that it was my whole world and all the people in it and the inertia of my life, plunging ahead and me powerless to stop it.

BLACK

Kinda like when you're driving a car and you're faded and blazed at the same time.

ROSE

I…guess. Now, look at my ring and pity me!

She shows Black her engagement ring.

BLACK

Dang girl! That ice is big enough to sink this ship.

ROSE

500 invitations have gone out. All of Philadelphia society will be there. And all the while I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.

BLACK

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like this one time when I ran around town naked on dare and no one looked up because they was too busy looking down. Are you a virgin?

ROSE

Pardon me?

BLACK

Sorry, it's just that the whole time we been talkin', I kept wondering if you were a virgin or not.

ROSE

Well, you're being very rude. You shouldn't be asking me this.

BLACK

It's a simple question. Are you a virgin or not?

ROSE

This is not a suitable conversation.

BALCK

Why can't you just answer the question?

ROSE

This is absurd! You don't know me and I don't know you and we are not having this conversation at all.

BLACK

Take that as a no.

ROSE

You are rude and uncouth and presumptuous and yet I'm slightly turned on.

Rose grabs Black's (actually it's Jack's) folder.

ROSE(CONT'D)

What is this stupid thing you're carrying around?

Rose opens it and looks at the contents inside. They are beautiful drawings.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Black, this is exquisite work.

Black peers over Rose's shoulder and sees Jack's drawings.

BLACK

Man, you're right!

ROSE

I can't believe you're an artist, Black.

BLACK

I can't believe it either.

Rose turns a page and has come upon a series of nude drawings.

ROSE

You liked this woman. You used her several times.

BLACK

She touched me in ways that can't be expressed in words, but I could show you.

ROSE

Maybe some other time in someone else's burgundy car in the cargo hold.

BLACK

That was oddly specific.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM/D-DECK- DAY

Bruce Isgay and Captain Smithy are at a table having tea.

ISGAY

So, you've not yet lit the last four boilers.

SMITHY

Lit the boilers? Ye mean raise the sails, matey?

ISGAY

Sure. The point is I want you to raise the sails so the ship can reach maximum speed.

SMITHY

I'm the cap'n of this ship! I'll raise the sails when I want to.

ISGAY

Let me put it this way, if you don't speed up the ship, you'll soon be needing a real peg leg.

SMITHY

Urm…as cap'n of this ship, I've decided to raise the last four sails.

Isgay leans over and pats Smithy on the head.

ISGAY

Good boy.

EXT. A DECK PROMENADE/AFT- SUNSET

Black and Rose lean on the deck rail, shoulder to shoulder.

Black is in the middle of telling her the story of his life.

BLACK

…and after that I spent three months in lockdown, and when I got out, I started working at a 7 eleven in Santa Monica before I robbed that too.

ROSE

Why can't I be like you, Black? Just ignore all logic whenever I feel like it.

BLACK

What's stoppin' you? There's plenty of 7 elevens out there to rob. I could even show you how to hold a gun like a man and-

ROSE

And spit like a man!

BLACK

And maybe later I could show you how to swallow.

ROSE

Let's just stick with spitting.

BLACK

All right. Watch closely.

He hawks a giant lugee.

BLACK(CONT'D)

You're turn.

Rose attempts to hawk her own but it's nothing but a tiny bit of spittle.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Wow, Rose! That was amazing…ly bad!

ROSE

Well, yours wasn't all that great.

BLACK

Are you crazy, girl? I'm the spit master. I can hawk a lugee straight up in the air and catch it in my mouth. Watch.

He spits in the air and waits to catch it, his head looking up.

While he waits, Ruthless and Molly Brownie walk up to them.

Black

Ya know, Rose, I don't think that spit is coming back down.

Rose elbows him to get his attention. He looks down and sees the two women in front of him.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Oh, hey!

ROSE

Mr. Awesome, may I introduce my mother.

BLACK

Whoa, got MILF?

They stare a t him in confusion.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Nah, I'm just playin', but seriously Rose, you better not end up lookin' like yo mama or this relationship is not gonna last.

The BUGLER sounds the dinner call.

MOLLY

Yes, dinner time!

RUTHLESS

Let's go now, Rose.

ROSE

See you at dinner, Black.

They are about to leave when Black's spit lands right on Ruthless.

BLACK

Looks like my spit likes you!

Ruthless glares at him, and they walk away.

Black walks around deck. There are very few people out since they've all gone to dress for dinner.

Black spies a young man already dressed for dinner standing in a secluded area by himself.

Black picks up a deck chair, walks up behind the man, and whacks him right in the head. The man falls down, unconscious.

CUT TO:

Black wearing the man's clothes.

BLACK

That's mo' like it!


	4. Chapter 4

EXT. BOAT DECK/FIRST CLASS ENTRANCE- DUSK

Black walks up to the door, and a STEWARD bows then opens the door for Black.

STEWARD

Good evening, sir.

BLACK

Aaah! Omigosh, I didn't even notice you standing there. You're that insignificant.

Black claps him on the shoulder.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Loser.

INT. UPPER LANDING/GRAND STAIRCASE AND A-DECK

Black walks in and gives a whistle of appreciation. First class is magnificent.

Hoity-toity men and women are dressed in their evening best.

Black slides down the banister of the Grand Staircase, landing at A-deck. He pauses to look at one of those cat clocks with the moving tail and eyes.

Cal comes down the stairs with Ruthless. They both walk right past Black, not recognizing him. Just behind Cal and Ruthless is Rose. Black approaches her, takes her hand in his, lifts it up to his mouth and licks it.

BLACK

I saw that in a porno once and I always wanted to do it.

ROSE

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds so wonderfully charming.

Rose hooks her arm with Black's, and they walk over to Cal and Ruthless.

ROSE

Hey, Cockless! Surely you remember Mr. Awesome.

Cal looks baffled.

BLACK

Betcha can't recognize me.

CLA

You're right. I could hardly recognize the only black passenger on the entire ship.

BLACK

Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me.

INT. D-DECK RECEPTION

The party descends to dinner. Molly Brownie walks up to Black.

MOLLY

Care to escort a lady to dinner?

BLACK

Where's the lady?

He starts laughing while Rose and Molly stare at him.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Oh yeah! You know I owned that.

MOLLY

The name's Molly Brownie by the way.

(lower)

And if you're interested in putting a little cream in your coffee, let me know.

As they enter the crowd, Rose leans to Black, pointing out several people.

ROSE

There's the Countess Rothes. And that's John Jacob Jingle Heimer Astor…the richest man on the ship. He is loaded and in more ways than one. You see, his little wifey there, Madeleine, is my age and in a delicate condition. See how she's trying to hide. Quite the scandal.

(pointing toward a couple)

And over there, that's Sir Costco and Lucile, Lady Duff Gordon. She designs naughty lingerie.

Rose cocks her head to the left and looks down demurely.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Maybe later I could model some of it for you.

MOLLY

Rose, you just whispered that to me.

ROSE

Oh. Where's Black?

BLACK

We switched sides. We thought it would be fun…it's not.

Cal, meanwhile, is chatting with his male friends, who are staring at Rose like she's a slab of meat.

SIR COSTCO

Congratulations, Cockless. She's splendid.

CAL

Thank you. Maybe after I tire of her, you can give her a go.

SIR COSTCO

Yes, jolly good!

Black, Rose and Molly start walking again toward the dinig saloon.

MOLLY

Ain't nothing to it, is there, Balck? Remember, just act like you own a gold-mine and you're in the club.

They run into the Astors.

ROSE

J.J., Madeleine, I'd like you to meet Black Awesome.

Black shakes hands with Astor.

BLACK

(mechanically)

Hi, I'm Black Awesome. I own a gold-mine.

ASTOR

Marvelous! Welcome to the club.

INT. DINING SALOON

Everyone is seated for dinner. Black is seated opposite Rose. Rose sits between Cal and Thomas Whoknew. Also at the table are Molly Brownie, Isgay, COLONEL ARCHIBALD PANSY, the Countess, BENJAMIN GUGGENHEIM, MADAME AUBERT, the Astors and Ruthless.

RUTHLESS

How exactly did you acquire such an expensive suit, mr. Awesome/

BLACK

Funny story. You see, I hit this guy…up for money and he gave it to me. Isn't that hilarious?

CAL

Mr. Awesome is joining us from the third class. He was of some assistance to my fiancée last night.

BLACK

If I assist her anymore, she won't be your fiancée for long.

Black looks down, confused, by all the silverware before him. He turns to his neighbor, Molly Brownie.

BLACK(CONT'D)

What's with all this silverware?

MOLLY

Just start from the outside and work your way in.

BLACK

Ah, just like having sex.

ROSE

It turns out Mr. Awesome is quite a fine artist.

BLACK

Thanks, Rose. I think I'm pretty good-lookin' myself.

ROSE

He was kind enough to show me some of his work today.

CAL

Rose and I differ somewhat in our definition of fine art. Not to impugn your work, sir.

BLACK

It's cool. I don't even know what impugn means.

Black guzzles down his champagne in one gulp.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Hey, waiter! Waiter!

A WAITER hurries over.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I'll have a bottle of your worst champagne. Just put it on my tab, Carlie.

WAITER

My name's Albert.

BLACK

Ha! You're so funny, Charlie.

RUTHLESS

And where exactly do you live, Mr. Awesome?

BLACK

In a house. Where the hell do you live?

RUTHLESS

I live in a house as well, but how is it that you have means to travel?

BLACK

Well, I rob my way from place to place. In fact, that's kinda how I got my ticket on Tipanic.

RUTHLESS

And you find that sort of rootless existence appealing do you?

BLACK

Well, the ladies seem to go for the whole bad boy thing.

COLONEL PANSY

All life is about winning ladies.

CAL

A real man makes his lady do whatever he wants whenever he wants! Mmwahahahaha!!

Cal clears his throat then takes a sip of his champagne to cover his psychoticness.

BLACK

Well, I love waking up in the morning not knowin' who's gonna be laying next to me. You learn to take life as it comes at you…or after you. The important thing is to make it out alive.

MOLLY

Well said, Black.

COLONIE PANSY

Here, here.

Rose raises her glass.

ROSE

To making it out alive.

The rest of the table raises their glasses in a toast. Cal and Ruthless do so, reluctantly.

ALL

To making it out alive.

Everyone takes a drink of champagne, but Cal spits his back in his glass.

TIME TRANSTION: Dessert has been served, and the men get up to make their way to the smoking room.

COLONEL PANSY

Will you be joining us, Awesome?

BLACK

Me? Joining you? I don't think so.

CAL

Probably best. It'll be all business and politics. That sort of thing. Wouldn't interest you much.

BLACK

You're right. I'm much more interested in stealing your fiancée from right under your nose.

Cal and the other men leave.

Black takes out a folded piece of paper from his jacket. He crumples it then throws it so it lands in Rose's cleavage. He exits.

Rose retrieves the note and opens it. It reads: "If you want to make it out alive, meet me at the clock."

INT. A-DECK FOYER-NIGHT

Rose crosses the A-Deck Foyer and sees Black at the landing above. Black has his back to her, staring at the cat clock.

Rose makes her way up the staircase toward him. He turns.

BLACK

So, you wanna get really drunk and stupid?


	5. Chapter 5

First off, I wanna thank all the people who've left me such positive comments! They are food for my comedic soul (okay, that was cheesy), but seriously, thanks. Also, don't be afraid to give me suggestions or critiques (constructive of course). Well, hope you like the latest installment! Please review!!

INT. THIRD CLASS GENERAL ROOM

Crowded and full of laughter, beer, wine, and a fog of cigarette smoke. People of all ages are dancing to the techno-dance remix of "My Heart Will Go On".

Black hands Rose a drink. She chugs, while Black looks on, amused.

ROSE

What? You don't think a first class girl can drink?

BLACK

Rose, that's a Shirley Temple.

ROSE

Ah…well, give me something real to drink. Come on! I can handle it!

BLACK

You sure?

ROSE

Yes!

BLACK

A'ight, but don't get too drunk. Otherwise, I'll feel obligated to take advantage of you.

Black leaves to get drinks. On his way, Spaghettio runs up to him.

SPAGHETTIO

Black! You made it to the party!

BLACK

Spaghettio?! What are you doin' here, man? I thought you was dead.

SPAGHETTIO

Dead? What are you talking about? If I was dead, could I be here talkling to you?

BLACK

I…guess not.

SPAGHETTIO

Mama mia, this is a great party! I gotta go. Mario and Luigi are waiting for me. Ciao!

Black gets his drinks and makes his way back to Rose. He finds her receiving body shots from Mario and Luigi.

BLACK

That's my girl.

INT. CAL'S BEDROOM

Cal is sleeping. Lovetoy has a chair pulled up right next to the bed, watching Cal. Cal wakes up to find Lovetoy staring at him.

CAL

Aaah! What are you doing?

LOVETOY

Watching you sleep, sir.

CAL

O…kay. Why are you're pants undone?

LOVETOY

Oh, they are? I hadn't noticed.

CAL

Get out!

Lovetoy gets up to leave but pauses by the door.

LOVETOY

I should tell you, sir, that your fiancée hasn't been to her cabin yet.

CAL

What?! Oh well…I'll deal with it in the morning.

LOVETOY

Goodnight then, sir.

He leaves but comes back seconds later to resume watching Cal sleep.

INT. THIRD CLASS GENERAL ROOM

Rose drinks an entire pitcher of beer. A crowd of people surround her, shouting, "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

ROSE

Whoo!

No sooner does she finish screaming then she throws up all over Black.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Whoo…?

INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE/PRIVATE PROMENADE- DAY

It is Sunday April 14, 1912. Rose and Cal are having breakfast in silence.

CAL

I had hoped you would come to me last night. Where the hell were you?!

ROSE

Ugh, could you please not yell. I have a killer hangover.

CAL

Don't tell me what to do! You are never to behave like that again, Rose.

ROSE

Oh, so now you care about me?

CAL

Don't be ridiculous. I only care about me and how this makes me look. Get with the program, Rose!

ROSE

I'm not a foreman in one of your mills that you can command. I'm your fiancée.

CAL

My fiancée…my fiancée. Yes you are and that means-

Cal goes into full-on psycho mode, knocking the table over in a rage. The china and food go flying. He moves to her in one quick movement. Getting right in her face and holding the sides of her chair.

CAL(CONT'D)

That means you will do what I want when I want. Is that understood?

Rose looks at the food on the floor and points at it.

ROSE

I wasn't quite done with that.

CAL

Well, neither was I, and I'm very hungry but that is beside the point. You won't see him again. I won't stand for it!

ROSE

But you are standing.

Cal drops to the floor and begins crawling.

CAL

I will not be made out a fool, Rose!

He exits, still crawling.

Rose turns her head to see her MAID standing in the corner.

ROSE

What are you doing just standing there? Clean this up!

INT. ROSE'S SUITE- DAY

Ruthless is in the middle of tying Rose's corset strings.

RUTHLESS

You are never to see that boy again, Rose. I forbid it.

ROSE

You can't make me!

RUTHLESS

If I have to drag you around on a leash, I will!

ROSE

Oh, stop it, mother. You'll give yourself the runs.

Ruthless whirls Rose around so she's facing her.

RUTHLESS

This is not a game. Our situation is precarious. You know the money's gone.

ROSE

Of course I know it's gone. You remind me every five minutes.

RUTHLESS

Speaking of which, it's been five minutes. The money's gone. Your father left us nothing but a legacy of bad debts hidden by a good name. That name is the only card we have to play. I don't understand you. It is a fine match with Cockless. It will ensure my- I mean, our survival.

ROSE

How can you put this on my shoulders?

RUTHLESS

Why are you being so selfish?

ROSE

I'm being selfish?

Ruthless

Yes, I agree. Rose, do you want to see me working as a seamstress?

ROSE

Perhaps.

RUTHLESS

Is that what you want?

ROSE

Perhaps.

RUTHLESS

To see our fine things sold at auction?

ROSE

Perhaps.

RUTHLESS

Our memories scattered to the winds?

ROSE

Perhaps. It's so unfair.

RUTHLESS

Wait, are you saying perhaps it's so unfair or it's so unfair?

ROSE

I'm saying it's so unfair.

RUTHLESS

Oh, okay.

Beat.

RUTHLESS(CONT'D)

Oh! Of course it's unfair. We're women. Our choices are never easy ones. Just be happy we don't have the right to vote. Our brains can't handle that much choice! That's why we have to marry rich, powerful me who will make easy choices for us.


	6. Chapter 6

INT. FIRST CLASS DINING SALOON

At the church service, Captain Smithy is leading a large gathering in the song "This Little Light of Mine". Everyone claps and sways to the song in full-on gospel mode. Rose, Ruthless, and Cal are in the middle of the group.

Lovetoy stands far back, watching Rose.

INT. GRAND STAIRCASE/A-DECK

Black is back in his regular clothes and makes his way to the entry door but is stopped by a STEWARD.

STEWARD

Sir, you're not supposed to be here. This is first class. You can go to the third class church service. It's separate but equal.

BLACK

I just wanna talk to somebody real fast.

STEWARD

You're not allowed in there.

BLACK

Oh, come on. I just-

Lovetoy walks out.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Hey! Lovetoy! My brotha from another motha!

Lovetoy

Mr. Cockless and Mrs. DeInstigator continue to be appreciative of your assistance. They asked me to give you this-

He holds out two twenty dollar bills.

BLACK

Look, man, I don't want your money.

Black takes the money.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I just wanna talk wit Rose. Is that so much to ask?

STEWARD

Well, fine. You can go in.

BLACK

This is an injustice! I have never been treated like this in my entire life! I don't know if it's because I'm black or poor or both, but you ain't gonna get away with this! I'm gonna speak to your manager. No, your supervisor. No…your mama. Ha! You gonna regret the day you messed with Black Awesome.

STEWARD

Sir, I said you could-

BLACK

I don't wanna hear your excuses! It's too late for that.

Black turns around and leaves.

EXT. A-DECK/AFT- DAY

A MAN is standing by the railing enjoying the ocean view. Black emerges from behind one of the large deck cranes and goes up behind the man. He puts his fingers in the shape of a gun. He puts the "gun" up to the man's back.

BLACK

Give me all your money!

MAN

Oh gosh, please don't shoot!

Black chuckles to himself.

BLACK

Nah, I'm just kidding. Could you actually just give me your coat and your hat?

The man quickly takes them off and hands them to Black.

MAN

Take it.

Black scurries off while putting on his newly stolen attire.

INT. BRIDGE/CHART

21 year old HAROLD BRIDE, the Junior Wireless Operator, moves around Whoknew's tour group to give a Marconi gram to Captain Smithy.

BRIDE

Another ice warning, sir-er, cap'n.

Rose and ruthless look worried.

SMITHY

Aaar! Not to worry. Quite normal this time of year. In fact, we be speedin' up, so we'll be travelin' really fast around a bunch of icebergs!

The group turns to leave, but Smithy stops Rose.

SMITHY(CONT'D0

Yer a pretty lass, aren't ya?

ROSE

Yeah, duh…what's it to you?

SMITHY

Pirates be after yer booty.

ROSE

Okay. This is disturbing.

SMITHY

Me be lookin' fer pleasure!

Rose hightails it out of there to catch up with the others.

EXT. BOAT DECK/STARBOARD SIDE- DAY

Whoknew leads the group along the boat deck, pointing out the lifeboats.

WHOKNEW

And these are the lifeboats. They're, uh, the life of the party…get it?

He chuckles nervously while no one laughs.

ROSE

Speaking of lifeboats, Mr. Whoknew, I did the sum in my head because I'm such a genius, and forgive me, but with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned…forgive me, but it seems there are not enough for everyone aboard.

WHOKNEW

Yeah, I know. What's your point?

ROSE

Isn't that kind of dangerous?

Beat.

WHOKNEW

Cal..control your woman. She-she's treating me like I'm her…equal! This is too much!

Whoknew starts breathing heavily.

WHOKNEW(CONT'D)

Too much! I need water! I need water!

CAL

Gosh, Rose, what is wrong with you?

Cal leaves to follow Whoknew.

Rose is tapped on the shoulder. She turns, and it's Black. He leads her to the gymnasium. They duck inside.

INT. GYMANASIUM- DAY

ROSE

Black, this is impossible. I can't see you.

BLACK

Omigosh, you're blind?

ROSE

No. I meant we can't be together.

BLACK

Oh, okay…no, wait! I need to talk to you.

ROSE

No, Black, no. We're just too different, you and I.

BLACK

Well, variety is the salt of life.

ROSE

You mean, spice.

BLACK

Yeah, that's what I said, sugar. Rose, I'm not an idiot. Wait, scratch that. I am an idiot, but there's more to me than just that. I'm a persistent idiot, and I'm not just gonna let you walk away from what we have.

ROSE

Can I run away from what we have?

BLACK

If you want, but to be honest, I'm a pretty fast runner. I mean we are going according to stereotype here, right? So I'll probably just end up catching up with you. Anyways, what we have is real and as sure as my name is Black Awesome

(he grabs her shoulders)

I'm never gonna let you go!

ROSE

Ow! You're hurting me.

BLACK

Oh, my bad.

He let's go of her shoulders.

BLACK(CONT'D)

The point is, I'm too involved now. I can't turn away-

Black spies something on the floor and turns away to pick it up.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Hey, a quarter! Where was I? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be all right.

ROSE

I'm going back. Leave me alone.

She turns and opens the door to leave, but as she exits, black sticks his foot out and trips her. She lands flat on her face.

BLACK

Ha! Nice trip. See ya next spring!

Rose gets up.

ROSE

Don't you mean, see you next fall?

BLACK

No. It's see you next spring because when you trip, you spring forward.

ROSE

You just get dumber as time goes by and I just get more inexplicably attracted to it, but this will not do. Goodbye…forever!

She runs away, sobbing theatrically.

BLACK

Is this because I found the quarter and you didn't?! You can have it!

He throws the quarter. It hits her on the back of the head.

ROSE

Ow!

She turns around and picks up the quarter. Then she resumes her crying and running.


	7. Chapter 7

INT. FIRST CLASS LOUNGE- DAY

Rose sits at a table with Ruth, the Countess Rothes and Lady Duff-Gordon. Rose is silent and still as a statue as the conversation flows around her.

RUTHLESS

Of course the invitations had to be taken back to the printers twice. And the bridesmaids dresses! Let me tell you what a travesty that has been. Rose decided she wanted lavender. She knows I detest the color so she chose it just to spite me. Luckily, I nipped that in the bud. Although, we still haven't decided what color we want. Have you decided yet, Rose dear?

Rose turns to her numbly.

ROSE

Decided what?

RUTHLESS

What color you want.

ROSE

Color I want for what?

RUTHLESS

The bridesmaids dresses!

ROSE

Oh, is someone getting married? I love weddings!

RUTHLESS

You're getting married!

ROSE

Oh! Of course. Well, then how about lavender.

RUTHLESS

We've already been through this. You can't have lavender. I hate the colr.

ROSE

What's it to you whether you like it or not? I'm the one getting married.

RUTHLESS

We'll discuss this later.

Rose just sighs and turns away. She goes back to looking lifeless.

Rose then goes into a slow motion MONTAGE of her memories with Black:

Black's pee landing on Rose's face.

Rose spitting.

Black scrambling to catch Rose before she falls overboard.

Black licking Rose's hand.

Cal crawling away mouthing, "I will not be made out a fool, Rose!"

Rose snaps out of the montage due to Cal's appearance in it.

ROSE

(to herself)

How did that get in there?

She shrugs her shoulders and the MONTAGE resumes:

Black's note landing in Rose's cleavage.

Rose throwing up on Black.

Black tripping Rose as she exits the gymnasium.

Right as Rose's face hits the floor, she is snapped out of the montage.

ROSE

Black…

WAITER

Pardon me, miss?

ROSE

Oh, uh… I would like my coffee black, please.

WAITER

Right away, miss.

RUTHLESS

I didn't realize you liked coffee.

ROSE

I didn't realize you have a huge zit on you forehead.

Beat.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Excuse me, ladies. I have something I need to attend to.

Rose gets up to leave.

RUTHLESS

What about your black coffee?

ROSE

Coffee? Black? When would I ever order black coffee?

RUTHLESS

You just did not even a minute ago!

ROSE

Ya sure?

The waiter appears and places the coffee in front of Rose.

WAITER

Boiling hot coffee, miss.

Ruthless gestures toward the coffee.

RUTHLESS

Yes, I'm sure.

Rose picks up the cup of coffee.

ROSE

Well, um…

She throws the coffee behind her, hitting a MAN right in the face with the cup and the searing hot coffee. The man screams in pain.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Whoops, spilled the coffee. Well, gotta run!

She scurries off.

Ruthless notices the Countess and Lady Duff-Gordon's freaked out expressions. Ruthless smiles nervously at them.

RUTHLESS

I'm sure it's just pre-wedding jitters.

EXT. TIPANIC- DAY

Black is right at the end of the bow. He is drumming the railing.

Rose walks up slowly behind him.

ROSE

Hello, Black.

Black slows his drumming at the sound of her voice. Then he turns to see her standing there.

ROSE(CONT'D)

I changed my mind.

Black walks up to her.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Spaghettio said you might be-

BLACK

Ssshhh.

He puts his finger up to her lips to shush her. He moves it up until it reaches her nose. This causes his finger to get covered in her snot.

BLACK

What the?

He wipes his finger on her dress.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Don't speak, Rose. Just savor this moment.

Black closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens his looking pensive.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I just farted.

ROSE

How… cute.

Rose walks over to the railing. She steps up on it. Black steps up behind her.

ROSE9CONT'D)

Isn't the view beautiful?

BLACK

(yawning)

Uh huh.

Black leans his face forward into Rose's blowing hair. Rose turns hear head so her lips are near Black's. They both lean in, there lips only inches apart. They are about to kiss when-

BLACK(CONT'D)

A-choo!

Black sneezes right in Rose's face. Rose screams in disgust.

BLACK(CONT'D0

Man, this sea air is messin' with my allergies!

ROSE

Black, you just sneezed in my face!

BLACK

It's not like I could help it.

ROSE

You could've covered your mouth or something!

BLACK

You could've said bless you!

ROSE

Gosh you're sexy.

BLACK

I know.

They start to make out fervently.

INT. ROSE'S SUITE

Black and Rose walk into the sitting room.

ROSE

Just wait right here.

She makes her way into the adjoining walk-in wardrobe closet.

She comes back holding the Heart of My Bottom.

BLACK

What is that? A sapphire?

ROSE

A diamond. A very tacky, gaudy, poop-covered diamond. Black, I want you to draw me like one of the girls in your pictures. Wearing this…wearing only this.

Black scrunches his face in confusion.

BLACK

Draw you wearing this, only this? That means something I know it does. Don't tell me! Let me think…you want me to draw you with the word "this" painted on you?

ROSE

No, you idiot! I want you to draw me naked!

BLACK

Oh! Why didn't you just say so?

ROSE'S BEDROOM. Rose draws pulls out the butterfly comb she's wearing from her hair. She whips her hair around like a stripper.

IN THE SITTING ROOM Black is laying out his pencils in a confused manner. His sketchbook is open. He looks up as Rose comes into the room wearing a silk kimono.

Rose walks seductively toward him but trips. She grins sheepishly and resumes her walking.

ROSE

The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a Barbie doll. As a paying customer, I expect to get what I want.

She tosses him the quarter he threw at her. She steps back and slowly parts the robe. She is completely naked, but Black is too busy eyeing the quarter to notice.

BLACK

Hey, I got my quarter back. Awesome!

Rose clears her throat impatiently. Black looks up to see her standing in the nude.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Awesome!

Rose smiles complacently.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Why don't you head on over to the couch.

Rose glares at him condescendingly.

ROSE

It's an Empire divan. Idiot!

She lies down not quite knowing what to do next.

BLACK

Ya know, Rose, girls in 1912 are easier than girls in my time. Hey, I should write that down for Walter!

He does just that.

ROSE

Excuse me! Can we get to drawing me?

BLACK

Drawing? Oh yeah, drawing…um…first things first, put your arm back.

She does.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Jumpin' Jehosaphat on a pogo stick! What is that?!

ROSE

What/

BLACK

That fur coming out of your armpit!

Rose has a tuft of armpit hair.

ROSE

That's my hair.

BLACK

That ain't hair! That's alive!

Black quickly closes the sketch book.

BLACK(CONT'D)

That's it! Drawing sessions over. Put your clothes back on now!

ROSE

I don't understand what the problem is.

BLACK

Well, that makes you hairy and stupid. Now put your clothes on!


	8. Chapter 8

INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM- NIGHT

Cal is sitting at a table with Colonel Pansy, Astor, Molly Brownie and the Countess Rothes. Lovetoy stands near Cal. They are in the middle of a game of strip poker. Gracie and Molly are in their underwear while Cal, Astor and the Countess have only a few items of clothing missing.

Cal looks at the group smugly then lays his hand down on the table.

CAL

Read 'em and weep boys…and girls.

ASTOR

Cal, that hand is absolute crap.

The Countess and Molly jeer excitedly.

MOLLY

C'mon, Cal. Take your shirt off!

Cal turns to Lovetoy.

CAL

Lovetoy, I thought you said this hand would kill.

LOVETOY

So sorry. My mistake, sir. Now take your shirt off!

Cal starts to unbutton his shirt. Lovetoy stares at him like a horny school boy.

LOVETOY(CONT'D)

Oh, I forgot to tell you that your fiancée isn't in the swimming pool like she said she would be.

Cal stops unbuttoning.

CAL

What? Why are you just now telling me this?

LOVETOY

Because I knew if I told you earlier you would stop playing strip poker and I really didn't want to miss out on the chance to watch you strip…I mean: It must've just slipped my mind. Now, hurry up and take your shirt off. Everyone's waiting!

CAL

Where is she?

LOVETOY

I have no idea, but I'm sure she's with that Black fellow.

CAL

Darn him and his black ways! Lovetoy, find her.

LOVETOY

But-

CAL

Now!

Lovetoy leaves disappointedly.

INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE

Rose is fully dressed now. She and Black are in the sitting room.

ROSE

Well, this blows serious chunks! I was going to use the naked drawing of me as a parting gift to Cal if only to see the look on his face when he saw it. Mmmwahaha!

(clears throat)

Anyway, I was going to leave it in the safe and everything.

BLACK

I got an idea. Open the safe.

Rose leads him over to the safe and opens it.

Black takes out a piece of paper, writes something down, folds it, then throws it in the safe. Rose puts the diamond in as well and closes the safe.

ROSE

What did you write down?

BLACK

Don't you worry your semi-pretty little head about it.

Black spies a box of cigars lying next to the safe.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Oooh! Stogies!

ROSE

No, those are Cal's.

BLACK

Even better.

ROSE

I gotta pee first.

ROSE

All right. Take your time.

INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM

Lovetoy walks in. Cal spies him and leaves the group to make his way over to him.

LOVETOY

I'm sorry, sir. I can't find her.

CAL

This is like a never ending game of hide-n-seek. Where have you looked?

LOVETOY

I checked the gymnasium, the Grand Staircase, out on deck. I even crawled inside one of the funnels, but there was just some homeless guy living in there. Wasn't too happy about me intruding on his turf. I also looked in-

CAL

Lovetoy, have you tried looking in her suite.

LOVETOY

Oh, right. Her suite. What would I do without you, sir.

CAL

Just go.

LOVETOY

Your command is my wish.

He leaves.

INT. ROSE'S BEDROOM

Black and Rose are lounging on Rose's bed smoking Cal's cigars.

BLACK

Aaah, this is the life.

ROSE

Mmm hmm. I can practically feel my lungs withering away.

A door is heard opening.

BLACK

Did you hear somethin'?

ROSE

Crap. It's probably Cal's stupid love toy. Come on. Let's get out of here.

They put out their cigars, and Rose takes Black's hand and leads him quietly through the bedroom as Black quickly picks up a piece of paper from his folder and pockets it. Lovetoy is in the sitting room and hears the door to Rose's room opening. He goes through Cal's room toward her room.

INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SUITE

Black and Rose walk quickly along the corridor toward B deck foyer. They get halfway down the corridor when the sitting room door burst open behind them, and Lovetoy comes out. He sees Black and Rose and runs after them.

ROSE

Let's go!

Black and Rose make a run for it as Black pushes innocent bystanders, including an old woman and a lady holding a baby. They make their way past the stairs to an elevator. They run into it freaking out the OPERATOR.

ROSE

Take us down. Hurry!

The operator quickly pushes the lever that takes them down. Lovetoy runs up just as the lift descends. He slams his hands on the gate. Rose flashes the rock out sign while sticking her tongue out. Lovetoy runs to take the stairs instead.

INT. F-DECK CORRIDORS/FAN ROOM

Black and Rose are leaning against a wall, catching their breath.

BLACK

Who does that guy think he is, the Terminator?

Rose chuckles.

ROSE

Wait. Huh?

BLACK

Oh, shit!

Lovetoy has sighted them from a cross-corridor nearby. He barrels after them. Black and Rose run around a corner toward a door. Black flings it open, and they enter. Black locks it behind them. He spies a ladder and climbs down. Rose follows. On the way down Rose slips and lands on top of Black. They land on the floor with a THUD!

BLACK

What was that?

ROSE

That was us landing on the floor.

BLACK

You may be right.

INT. HOLD #2

Black and Rose have landed in a cargo hold.

They get up and walk over to a shining burgundy RENAULT touring car. Black opens the door, and they climb into the back seat.

ROSE

We're in a burgundy car in the cargo hold. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BLACK

I don't think.

Rose sidles up next to him.

ROSE

Put your hands on me, Black.

Black looks bewildered but shrugs his shoulders. He slaps her across the face.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Aaah! What the heck did you do that for?!

BLACK

You told me to put a hand on you. I don't know. Some chicks are in to that.

INT. CROWS NEST- NIGHT

The two lookouts—FLEET and LEE—are on duty, freezing their butts off.

FLEET

I spy something white.

LEE

The stars?

FLEET

Nope.

LEE

That iceberg in the distance?

FLEET

Nope.

LEE

I give up.

FLEET

Me!

LEE

This game sucks.

INT. HOLD #2

Black and Rose are still in the Renault. They are talking, but the fog on the windows obscures them from view.

ROSE

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

BLACK

Of course. I've done this a million times. Just relax…

ROSE

Ow!

BLACK

Sorry. It always hurts the first time but you'll get used to it.

Beat.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Almost…there! Done!

INSIDE THE RENAULT Black has just finished giving Rose cornrows. Rose admires his work in the side-view mirror.

ROSE

Wow! This is so cool.

She turns to Black.

ROSE(CONT'D)

So…we're all alone in this car…

BLACK

Yeeaah, the whole seventies I'm not gonna shave my hair thing kinda turned me off so how 'bout you keep your clothes on and I won't press charges.

INT. CAL AND ROSE'S SUITE

Cal stands at the open safe, Lovetoy behind him.

LOVETOY

Anything missing?

Cal notices Black's note. He unfolds it and reads: "BLACK WAS HERE!"

Cal becomes so pissed off over Black's note he prepares to rip it to shreds but stops.

CAL

I've got a better idea.

***

Hope you liked it! Please REVIEW!


	9. Chapter 9

EXT. FORWARD WELL DECK AND CROW'S NEST- NIGHT

Black and Rose come bursting through a crew door onto the deck. They are laughing uproariously.

ROSE

That was close. Those stewards almost caught us.

BLACK

Yeah.

ROSE

Good thing you knocked them out. They'll be okay though, right?

BLACK

Probably not. Let's play leap frog!

They start to play leap frog.

IN THE CROW'S NEST ABOVE THEM, Fleet hears the ruckus below and looks down to see Black and Rose.

FLEET

Look at that, would ya?

LEE

Aaww, ain't that cute.

FLEET

Did you say something about an iceberg earlier?

LEE

Did I? Oh, yes. That thing over there. I believe it's an iceberg.

FLEET

You may be right. Can't really tell, though. Well, the only way to find out is to get closer!

LEE

Yep!

They wait a little bit, getting closer.

FLEET

Oh yeah. That's an iceberg.

Fleet rings the lookout bell then grabs the telephone, calling the bridge.

INT./EXT. BRIDGE

Inside the enclosed wheelhouse, SIXTH OFFICER BOODY and Moredick sit on the floor playing the card game Speed. Moredick slams his last card down.

MOREDICK

Speed!

They both turn as they hear the phone ring.

BOODY

Are you gonna get that?

MOREDICK

Not if you are, Boody.

BOODY

I don't see the point in getting it if you're going to get it.

MOREDICK

Well, I'm not gonna get it if you're not going to get it!

BOODY

Fine. I'll get it.

MOREDICK

No, wait! I'll get it.

BOODY

Too late. I called it.

Boody picks up the phone. Moredick grabs it from him.

MOREDICK

You can't call a phone!

BOODY

Yes I can. Now give it back!

They both struggle for the phone.

MOREDICK

As first officer of this ship. I have the right to answer the phone!

Boody lets go.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Talk to me.

FLEET

I spy an iceberg!

MOREDICK

Ah man, this is just what I need. I was about to go to bed too. All right.

He hangs up.

BOODY

Let me guess. An iceberg?

MOREDICK

Yep.

Moredick runs over to Quartermaster Hitchens, who is at the wheel. Boody follows.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Hard a' starboard!

BOODY

(standing behind Hitchens)

The helm's hard over, sir.

Moredick moves over to the BRIDGE and watches in horror as the ship gets closer to the iceberg.

MOREDICK

Come on. Turn. Turn…

He extends his arm out in front of him.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

Use the force, Moredick…turn…

His arm shakes with the force. His face becomes red with strain. Then, he drops his arm.

MOREDICK(CONT'D)

I got nothing.

The ship is now mere inches away from the iceberg. Moredick takes his shoe off and throws it at the berg. It bounces back and hits him square in the face.

MOREDICK

How is that even possible?!

Suddenly, CRUUUNCH! The bow of the ship hits the iceberg.

CRASH SEQUENCE/SERIES OF CUTS:

UNDERWATER the iceberg smashes into the steel hull plates.

IN HOLD #2 the two STEWARDS who Black knocked out are just now getting up.

STEWARD

I'm thirsty.

Right then, the berg splits the hull plates and water pours in, tossing them like ragdolls.

ON G-DECK FORWARD Spaghettio is roused from his sleep in his bunk by the impact. He holds an inflatable sex doll.

ON THE FROWARD WELL DECK the rumbling of the impact causes Black to fall on top of Rose during their game of leap frog.

ON THE BRIDGE Moredick rings the watertight door alarm. He quickly lifts the switch that closes them.

MOREDICK

Hard a' port!

IN BOILER ROOM SIX, BARRET hears the DOOR ALARM and scrambles through the rushing water to the watertight door between Boiler Rooms 6 and 5. Barret yells at the stokers to move before the door traps them all in. As they rush by, he spanks each of their butts.

BARRET

Go lads! Go!

In his stateroom, surrounded by pieces of architectural plans and Archie comic books, Whoknew looks up as his hip-shaking hula girl figurine moves her hips back and forth.

INT./EXT. BRIDGE

MOREDICK

(to Boody)

I'm sure it was just a scratch.

Captain Smithy rushes out of his cabin looking disheveled.

SMITHY

Are we under attack? Secure the rigging! All hands on deck!

Moredick grabs Smithy's crotch.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Moredick, what the devil are ya doin'?

MOREDICK

Oh, you said deck, didn't you?

SMITHY

Aye.

Moredick releases his hand.

MOREDICK

It was an iceberg, cap'n, not an attack.

SMITHY

Shiver me timbers. An iceberg. This bodes ill for us mateys. Very ill.

INT. FIRST CLASS CORRIDOR/ A-DECK

A few people have come out of their rooms. The Countess Rothes stops a STEWARD as he makes his way down the hallway.

COUNTESS

Excuse, why have the engines stopped? I felt a shudder.

STEWARD

I shouldn't worry ma'am. It was probably just an earthquake. That's the shudder you felt.

COUNTESS

An earthquake? In the middle of the ocean?

STEWARD

Actually, it's more like a water quake. You see, underwater volcanoes sometimes erupt causing the water to vibrate. In fact, underwater volcanoes erupting are what create islands.

He stares directly into the camera, looking at the audience.

STEWARD(CONT'D)

I'm not making this up. Look it up if you don't believe me.

The Countess follows his gaze and looks into camera, but she looks perplexed. She looks around searching for who he was talking to.

INT. CORRIDOR ON B DECK

Cal storms down the corridor with Lovetoy following him. Cal stops a steward.

CAL

Hey you! Servant person!

STEWARD

Please, sir. There is no emergency.

CAL

Yes there is. I have been robbed.

STEWARD

Yes, everyone on the ship has been talking about how some steerage passenger stole your fiancée.

CAL

Not that! I'm talking about my bottom.

The steward gives him a strange look.

CAL(CONT'D)

The Heart of My Bottom.

LOVETOY

Just fetch the Master at Arms.

CAL

Now, you moron!

INT. B-DECK FORWARD/WELL DECK

Black and Rose come up the steps from the well deck.

A second later, Captain Smithy rounds the corner, trailed by Whoknew and Carpenter Hitchinson. The group brushes right past Black and Rose.

SMITHY

Can ye shore up?

HITCHINSON

Not unless you've got a time machine that can take us back to before we hit the iceberg.

The group goes down the stairs to the well deck.

BLACK

(to Rose)

This is bad.

ROSE

We should tell mother and Cal.

BLACK

Why? You don't care about your mother and you care even less about Cal.

ROSE

I don't know. Scriptwriting purposes?

BLACK

Works for me.

INT. B-DECK FOYER/CORRIDOR

Black and Rose walk along the corridor. Lovetoy is waiting for them. He approaches them.

LOVETOY

Well, well, well, if it isn't the dynamic duo.

Lovetoy follows and, unbeknownst to Black or Rose, slips the necklace in Black's overcoat pocket.

INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE

Cal and Ruthless wait in the sitting room along with the Master at Arms and two stewards. Black and Rose enter along with Lovetoy.

ROSE

Something seriously serious has happened.

CAL

Yes it has. Two things dear to me have disappeared this evening. Now that one is back I have a pretty good idea where to find the other.

BLACK

Look, if this is about the cigars I know a guy who deals Cubans.

CAL

Shut up.

(to the Master at Arms)

Search him.

The Master at Arms takes Black's coat off and searches it while the two stewards pat him up and down.

The Master at Arms pulls out The Heart of My Bottom from his coat pocket.

MASTER AT ARMS

Is this it?

CAL

That's it.

BLACK

What! Rose what were in those cigars we smoked? I don't even remember stealing that…not that I stole other stuff.

ROSE

This is ridiculous.

BLACK

Yeah, real smooth, Cal. Rose, they put it in my pocket.

LOVETOY

(holding Black's coat)

It's not even your pocket is it, son?

(reading)

"Property of A.L. Ryerson."

BLACK

(chuckling to himself)

Oh yeah.

Cal looks shocked but pleased.

CAL

Ah man. I love it when BS plays out like that. I didn't even plan that one.

ROSE

This is absurd. I was with him the whole time.

CAL

Perhaps he did it while he wrote this cute little note.

He pulls out Black's note from his pocket.

ROSE

But I was with him when he wrote the note.

CAL

Perhaps he did it when-when…

ROSE

When I used the bathroom?

CAL

Yes! Perhaps he did it when you used the bathroom.

ROSE

(turning to Black)

Did you do it while I used the bathroom?

BLACK

No. I didn't do anything while you was in the bathroom except peep.

CAL

He's obviously lying. Cuff him.

The Master at Arms handcuffs Black. He and Lovetoy drag Black away.

BLACK

Rose, you gullible idiot! I give you cornrows and this is how you repay me! Don't you believe it, Rose! Dooooooon't!

Beat.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Dooon't!

INT. BRIDGE/CHARTROOM

Whoknew lays out a large drawing of the ship across the chartroom table. It is a side elevation that shows all the watertight bulk-heads. Moredick and Isgay stand behind Whoknew and the Captain.

SMITHY

Bad news, mateys. The ship is under attack. Make ready the guns, load the cannons and prepare for battle. But know this if ye die ye die with honor.

Whoknew leads him away to a nearby chair.

WHOKNEW

Why don't you just sit here, cap'n.

(turning back to the drawing)

Five compartments are flooded. It can stay afloat with four compartments breech but not five…or six or seven or eight or nine or ten or eleven or-

MOREDICK

We get the point!

WHOKNEW

The point is no matter what we do Tipanic will founder.

ISGAY

But this ship can't sink!

MOREDICK

Positive thinking, that's the way to go. If you say it can't sink it won't sink.

ISGAY

Shut up, peasant! Do you have any idea who you're talking to? I'm Bruce Isgay. I put the luxe in luxury liner. I put the hip in ship. I put the-

MOREDICK

Gay in Isgay.

ISGAY

How dare you!

SMITHY

Quiet you scallywags! This be a very serious matter, mateys. How much time?

WHOKNEW

An hour. Two at the most.

SMITHY

And how many aboard, Mr. Moredick?

MOREDICK

Two thousand two hundred souls on board, sir…cap'n.

SMITHY

Well…the Captain must go down with the ship, lads. I will accept my fate like a man of honor. However, on a completely different note I propose we elect a new captain.

Whoknew raises his hand in volunteer. Moredick slaps it away.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Any takers?

Silence.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Oh all right. I'll go down with the blasted ship…aaarr!

***

Well, I hoped you liked it, and if you didn't, feel free to tell me. I can take it!…I think. Please **review **( yes, I need that kind of assurance). 


	10. Chapter 10

INT. ROSE AND CAL'S SUITE

Rose and Cal stand alone in the sitting room, no one saying anything. Cal looks seriously pissed Then he SLAPS her.

CAL

Oh, it is a little slut, isn't it?

ROSE

Slut? Black and I didn't even sleep together.

CAL

Oh really? Then would you care to explain this!

He hands her Black's note.

ROSE

(reading)

"Black was here." He was here. I don't get it.

CAL

Neither do I!

He slaps her again.

The door opens, and a STEWARD comes in.

CAL

How dare you come barging in here! We could've been having sex for all you know.

STEWARD

Her having sex with you?

(chuckling)

I don't think so. Anywho, I've been asked to tell you to please put on your lifebelts and come out to the boat deck. It's Captain's orders.

CAL

This is beyond lame.

INT. A-DECK FOYER

A large number of First Class passengers have gathered near the Grand Staircase, but no one really knows what's going on.

Cockless's group make their way into the fray. Rose spots Whoknew pounding shots of whiskey and walks up to him. Cal follows.

ROSE

Mr. Whoknew.

WHOKNEW

(turns to face her)

Ah! You scared me.

ROSE

Mr. Whoknew, I saw the iceberg and I see it in your eyes—

WHOKNEW

You can see the iceberg in my eyes?

ROSE

No. Just please tell me the truth.

WHOKNEW

The truth? You want me to tell you the truth?All right. Last night I got wasted and hooked up with Molly Brownie…and probably your mother. She was there so she might have gotten involved. I can't quite recall.

ROSE

Wait. What?

WHOKNEW

Oh! You meant the truth about the iceberg. Funny how I could've misinterpreted that. The truth is…the ship will sink.

ROSE

You're kidding?

WHOKNEW

Yep, made the whole thing up. Of course I'm not kidding! This leaky vessels going down and it's taking us all with it. Prepare to die a horrible, slow, painful death. How's that for kidding?!

He storms off, grabbing another drink from a waiter. Rose stands completely bewildered at what just occurred.

CAL

Wow, poor Mr. Whoknew. Gosh, Rose you're so insensitive. What is wrong with you?

INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE

Lovetoy and the Master at Arms are handcuffing Black to a WATER PIPE as a CREWMAN rushes in.

CREWMAN

Sir, they need you up at the second purser's office. There's a big mob up there.

LOVETOY

Go on. I'll keep an eye on him.

Lovetoy pulls out a Colt .45 automatic from under his jacket.

MASTER AT ARMS

Okey dokey.

He tosses the handcuff key to Lovetoy, then leaves with the crewman.

LOVETOY

Looks like it's just you and me.

BLACK

I don't swing that way.

LOVETOY

You're not my type.

INT. BRIDGE

Junior Wireless Operator Snide is communicating a message to Captain Smithy from the Cunard Liner Carpathia.

SNIDE

Carpathia says they're making 17 knots. Full steam for them, cap'n.

SMITHY

And she be the only one respondin'?

SNIDE

The only one close. She says they can be here in four hours.

SMITHY

Four hours! That's in four hours!

Realization sweeps over Smithy as he realizes everyone is screwed.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

What are ye doin' just standin' there, Snide? Go!

INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE

Black, still handcuffed, looks out the porthole at the rising water. Lovetoy sits on a desk.

BLACK

Hey, man, either the ship's getting lower or the water's getting higher. Either way I'm gonna be in trouble if you keep me handcuffed to this pipe.

LOVETOY

You're right about one thing for once. I do believe this ship may sink.

(moves over to Black)

I've been asked to give you this small token of our appreciation…

He punches Black hard in the stomach.

LOVETOY(CONT'D)

Compliments of Mr. Caledon Cockless.

BLACK

Oh yeah, you're real tough. You just punched a guy handcuffed to a pipe.

LOVETOY

Yeah, that is pretty lame of me…oh well. I'll see you later. Oh, wait. No I won't!

He exits taking the key with him.

EXT. BOAT DECK/PORT SIDE

SECOND OFFICER MILLERLIGHTOLLER is loading boat 6 next to Cal and Rose.

RUTHLESS

Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they're not too crowded especially since that Molly Brownie woman is getting on.

ROSE

Oh mother…shut up! Don't you understand? The water is frikkin' freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half…half the people on this ship are going to die.

CAL

Actually it'll be more than half.

RUTHLESS

I'd hate to be a part of that more than half.

She gets in the boat.

CAL

Pity I didn't keep that note. It'll be worth a fortune on ebay.

ROSE

You unimaginable bastard.

CAL

Thank you, Rose.

MOLLY

(to Rose)

Come on, darlin'. You're next.

Rose steps back , away from the boat.

RUTHLESS

Rose, get in the boat.

ROSE

Goodbye, mother.

(she walks off)

RUTHLESS

Rose! Rose, come back here. I went through twenty four hours of labor with you! At least give me some parting words!

Rose reluctantly walks back.

ROSE

Say your goodbyes.

RUTHLESS

Rose, dear…I checked my watch. It's been five minutes. The money's gone.

Rose leaves in disgust, but Cal catches up to her and grabs her roughly.

CAL

Where are you going? What, to him? What, to be the whore to a person who doesn't even have the intelligence of a gutter rat?

ROSE

I'd rather be his whore than your's.

Rose tries to get out of his grip, but it's too strong. She licks his face. Cal, shocked and disgusted, let's her go. Rose runs into the crowd.

MILLERLIGHTOLLER

Lower away!

RUTHLESS

Rose, the money's gone!

INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE

Black hears a gurgling sound. He looks down to see water pouring into the room and spreading across the floor.

BLACK

Ah, hell nah!

He tries to pull his hand from the cuff but to no avail. He starts to chew on the cuffs. That doesn't work. He stares at the cuffs, contemplating. He begins to gnaw at his wrist. Then stops because of the pain.

INT. FIRST CLASS CORRIDOR

Thomas Whoknew is opening stateroom doors, making sure they're empty.

WHOKNEW

Anybody in here?

Rose runs up to him.

ROSE

Mr. Whoknew, thank goodness!

WHOKNEW

You again?! You're like a plague. What are you still doing here you stupid, stupid girl?

ROSE

I need to know where the Master at Arms would take someone under arrest. I'll do this with or without your help, sir. But without will take longer.

WHOKNEW

Without my help it will take longer? Oh, man. Perfect. Lata sucka.

He starts walking away.

ROSE

(grabs him)

Mr. Whoknew, please!

WHOKNEW

Fine. Take the elevator to the very bottom, go left, down the crewman's passage, then go right and left again at the stairs. Then put your left leg in, put your left leg out, put your left leg in again and shake it all about. Then turn yourself around while doing a rain dance. Then you take two steps forward and two steps back. It'll come together because opposites attract. Then follow the yellow brick road till you get to a white door and you'll be there.

ROSE

Wait. Is it two steps forward, two steps back or two steps back, two steps forward?

WHOKNEW

I honestly have no idea what I just told you. To be honest, I've had a bit too much to drink.

(spanks her butt)

Good luck, Rose!

He dances away.

INT. FOYER/ELEVATOR

Rose runs up to the ELEVATOR OPERATOR.

OPERATOR

I'm sorry, miss but the lifts are closed.

ROSE

Could I just get on the lift, please.

OPERATOR

Since you asked politely, okay.

They enter the lift. There's an awkward silence as the elevator goes down. The only sound comes from the elevator music.

OPERATOR

So…do you come here often?

Before Rose has time to answer, icewater rushes in. She screams.

INT. FIRST CLASS ELEVATOR/CORRIDORS

Rose pulls the elevator door open and wades down the hallway.

OPERATOR

I do not get paid enough for this. I'm going back up!

Rose keeps making her way down the flooded corridor.

INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE

The room has become even more flooded. Black tries biting the handcuffs again. It's no use.

BLACK

I'm gonna kill Walter. Where is he?

CUT TO:

INT. WALTER'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM

Walter is having a major party. A crowd surrounds him and cheers loudly as he break dances. The song ends and Walter turns to his friend.

WALTER

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Beat.

WALTER(CONT'D)

Oh crap. I can't believe I forgot… JELLO SHOTS!

Everyone at the party cheers.

CUT TO:

INT. MASTER AT ARMS OFFICE/CORRIDOR

Black hears his name being called.

BLACK

Mommy?

(pauses)

Rose…Rose, I'm in here!

IN THE HALL Rose hears Black's voice behind her. She turns around not knowing exactly where he is.

ROSE

Black?!

She hears his voice again.

BLACK

I'm in here!

She walks toward the right door and pushes it open.

ROSE

Black!

BLACK

Rose!

ROSE

Black, Black!

BLACK

Rose.

ROSE

Black.

BLACK

Rose. That guy, Lovetoy, put it in my pocket.

ROSE

I know, I know.

BLACK

Rose, you're gonna hafta find a spare key. Check in that cabinet.

She kisses his face and hugs him. Black shoves her off.

BLACK

What are you doin'? You is wastin' time. Go look!

She searches through the cabinet.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Hey, Rose…how did you find out I didn't do it?

ROSE

I didn't. I just thought to myself, which sounds more like Black: stealing the diamond while I used the bathroom or peeking on me while I used the bathroom? And the choice was obvious. Plus, I realized you're way too stupid to know how to crack a safe.

BLACK

That's beautiful.

Rose goes back to searching for the key, looking through drawers and cupboards.

ROSE

There's no key.

BLACK

Ya gotta be kidding me. Rose, listen. You're gonna have to find some help.

ROSE

Okay. I'll be right back, Blackie-poo. You just wait right here.

Black glares at her as she runs out.


	11. Chapter 11

LATER Black is still waiting for Rose. The water is now waist high, and Black has climbed on the desk. Rose walks in holding an axe above her head.

BLACK

What's with the axe?

ROSE

It's the greatest idea. I can chop the handcuffs in half.

BLACK

That is the craziest, dumbest idea I have ever heard of in my entire life and I am the authority on crazy, dumb ideas. The chances of you succeeding are slim to none. Somethin' like that could only happen in some cheesy, cliché-filled movie. A'ight, let's try it out then.

Black stretches out the chain connecting the two cuffs across the pipe.

Rose swings the axe back. Right as she's about to bring it down, a voice startles her causing her to drop the axe.

SPAGHETTIO

Black, I found you!

Black and Rose turn to look at Spaghettio in surprise. Meanwhile, the axe hits the pipe causing it to bounce off. Then it goes flying toward the door where Spaghettio stands. The axe hits Spaghettio right in the chest. He drops down dead.

ROSE

I'm sure it's just a scratch.

Blood comes spilling out of Spaghettio's chest tainting the water crimson.

BLACK

Nope, he's dead. Again.

ROSE

Maybe I should just use the key.

Rose pulls a silver key out from her dress.

BLACK

You had a key the whole time? Where did you even get it?

ROSE

The Captain. Don't even ask me how I got him to give it to me.

BLACK

If you had the key the whole time, why did you bring the axe?

ROSE

I thought it would be more fun that way.

BLACK

Fun. Fun. Rose, you could've chopped my hand off and you killed Spaghettio…you're right that was more fun.

Rose unlocks the handcuffs. Black hops off the desk, cannonballing into the water and splashes Rose. He surfaces.

BLACK

Whoo! This water's cold. Shit, this is cold! You could've warned me, Rose.

They wade out into the hall.

ROSE

Actually, the water got a bit warmer.

BLACK

I just took a piss.

ROSE

Black!

BLACK

From me to you, baby.

EXT. BOAT 6 AND TIPANIC

IN BOAT SIX, Ruthless stares at the sight of the sinking Tipanic. Most of the bow is immersed in water.

MOLLY

Now there's something you don't see everyday.

She takes out a camera and snaps a picture.

MOLLY(CONT'D)

Darn! I forgot to turn the flash on.

She pulls out a handful of popcorn from her cleavage and munches away.

MOLLY(CONT'D)

(to Ruthless)

Want some?

EXT. BOAT DECK

The action is by the aft group of boats, numbers 9,11,13, and 15 on the starboard, and 10,12,14, and 16 on the port side. The mood is frenzied now as the crew and officers run to work on the davits.

CAL moves through the crowd still looking for Rose. Millerlightoller is about to launch Boat 10 when Whoknew runs up to him carrying a full glass of scotch.

WHOKNEW

(slurred)

Mr. Millerlightoller, why are the boats being launched…not full but when full is divided in half. Half! That's it! Why are they being launched in half?

MILLERLIGHTOLLER

Not now, Mr. Whoknew.

WHOKNEW

(pointing down at the water)

There, look, fifteen or is that twenty? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20. Twenty in a boat built for sixty-five. And I saw one boat with only thirteen. Thirteen. That's an unlucky number!

MILLERLIGHTOLLER

Well, we weren't sure of the weight—

Rubbish and balderdash and poppycock and nonsense! They were tested in China with the weight of 70 sumo wrestlers. Now, fill these boats, Mr. Millerlightoller. For God's sake, man!

He throws his drink in Millerlightoller's face and then slaps him.

WHOKNEW

I think perhaps I should have slapped you and then thrown the drink.

He looks down at his empty glass.

WHOKNEW(CONT'D)

Oh no! I need a new drink.

He runs off.

FURTHER ALONG THE DECK Lovetoy runs up to Cal through the aisle connecting the port and starboard sides of the boat deck.

LOVETOY

She's not on the starboard side either.

CAL

We're running out of time. And for some bizarre reason these people feel the need to let woman and children on first.

LOVETOY

There's one on the starboard side letting men on.

CAL

Finally, someone with sense! But we're going to need some insurance first.

(he moves forward)

Follow me.

LOVETOY

Anywhere.

INT. E-DECK CORRIDOR AND STARWELL

Black and Rose make their way along the crowded corridor. The third class passengers are all trapped behind a steel gate. Black turns as he hears his name being called.

SPAGHETTIO

Black!

BLACK

Would you die already! You're supposed to be dead!

SPAGHETTIO

What's all this talk of me dying? If I was dead, I couldn't possibly be talking to right now, now could I?

BLACK

I really don't know anymore. How we gonna get past this gate?

SPAGHETTIO

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

INT. CAL AND ROSE'S SUITE

The safe is open, and Cal takes money out, stuffing his pockets full. Lovetoy stands behind. Last but not least, he takes out the "Heart of My Bottom", putting it in his coat pocket.

CAL

I make my own luck.

LOVETOY

So do I.

Lovetoy opens his jacket to reveal several photos of Cal using the bathroom, taking baths and sleeping taped to the side.

CAL

What the hell?

LOVETOY

Ooopsie! Wrong side.

He opens the other side to show Cal a gun.

INT. STEERAGE, AFT

Black and company wander around the corridors looking for a way out. They come upon a narrow hall that is, of course, blocked by a gate. Black and Spaghettio try to break the gate open. It barely budges.

ROSE

Omigosh, we're gonna die here!

She theatrically puts the back of her hand to her forehead. Black and Spaghettio pay her no mind.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Hello! Pay attention to me.

Spaghettio spies a wooden bench nearby.

SPAGHETTIO

Look, a bench.

BLACK

Great idea, Spaghettio.

Black walks over to the bench and sits down.

BLACK(CONT'D)

It's always easier to come up with good ideas while sitting.

SPAGHETTIO

No, Black. I meant—

BLACK

Sshhh. Let me think.

He stares ahead, looking deeply meditative.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Spaghettio, what do you think?

SPAGHETTIO

I think we should use the bench to—

BLACK

Of course. How stupid of me. What you meant was we could carve a wooden replica of the key to the gate lock.

SPAGHETTIO

That could work. But what I meant was we could lift the bench and break down the gate with it.

BLACK

Well…I suppose that might work. Rose, what do you think?

Rose opens her mouth to speak, but Black interrupts her.

BLACK(CONT'D)

I'm just kidding. As if I really care what you think.

Black and Spaghettio start pulling on the bolted down bench until it breaks free. They start charging down the hallway.

While they are charging, the steward on the other side of the gate, has a change of heart and decides to unlock and open the gate.

Right as he opens it, Black and Spaghettio reach the gate, and their combined momentum causes them to slam into the wall on the other side. They lie on the ground groaning. Rose walks up to them.

ROSE

Why are you two just lying there? What, do you expect me to carry you? Come on!

They limply follow.

EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD SIDE, AFT

CAL AND LOVETOY arrive just as Moredick lowers his last boat.

CAL

No, we're too late.

LOVETOY

There's still some boats all the way forward.

Cal notices a man next to him fishing. Then, further down, a man bungee jumps off the ship with a "YEE HAW!"

CAL

It's starting to fall apart. We don't have much time.

Cal walks up to Moredick.

CAL(CONT'D)

Mr. Moredick, I'm a business man as you know and I have a business proposition for you.

MOREDICK

Cal, I'm flattered but I'm married.

LOVETOY

I'm not!

EXT. BOAT DECK, PORT

Black, Rose, and Spaghettio burst out onto the boat deck from some crew stairs.

ROSE

The boats are gone!

BLACK

Thanks for telling me, Rose. Otherwise, I never would've known the boats were gone.

SPAGHETTIO

Wait. There's still a couple of boats all the way forward.

They run in that direction.

EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD, FORWARD

There are not very many people here. Most of them are still aft. Cal slips his hand into Moredick's waist pocket, putting a stack of bills there.

CAL

Do we have an understanding then, Mr. Moredick?

MOREDICK

(counting the money)

That's it?

Cal angrily gives him more money.

** Well, there u go! Hope u liked and please **review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Well, I finally updated! Something I haven't done since March. There was some drama going on recently which some of you may know about and some of you may not. Either way this drama inspired me to start writing this again. Hope it's worth the wait!**

EXT. BOAT DECK/PORT SIDE

Black, Rose, and Spaghettio, along with a huge crowd of people, wait while Milerlightoller loads boat 2.

Black turns to Spaghettio.

BLACK

You better check the other side.

Spaghettio nods and runs off.

EXT. BOAT DECK/STARBOARD, FORWARD

Cal waits while Moredick readies the boat. Lovetoy comes up to Cal.

LOVETOY

I found her. She's on the other side. With him.

MOREDICK

Any more women and children?

(glancing at Cal)

Anyone else, then?

Cal looks at his boat and then at Lovetoy, torn.

CAL

(to himself)

Quite the dilemma, Cal. Should you get on the boat and give in to common sense or should you give in to the all too common sense for revenge…ah! Who am I kidding? I'm a completely one dimensional character. Let's go get Rose.

He and Lovetoy make their way to the port side.

EXT. BOAT DECK/PORT SIDE

Rose notices a woman with her two young daughters sitting in the boat while the father still stands on deck.

FATHER

It's good-bye for a little while. Only a little while. There's a good chance you'll all freeze to death in the lifeboat, and I'm inevitably going to die on this ship, so we'll see each other in heaven soon. Well… maybe not your mother.

ROSE

(turning to Black)

I'm not going without you.

BLACK

Why? I'd go without you.

ROSE

Well, I'm not.

BLACK

No. You hafta go now.

ROSE

No, Black.

BLACK

Get in the boat, Lily.

ROSE

My name's Rose!

BALCK

Whoa, really? Ya sure?

She crosses her arms with a look.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Okay, fine. Get on the boat, Rose.

Cal appears then.

CAL

Yes, get on the boat, Rose.

Cal notices her wet and shivering.

CAL(CONT'D)

My God, look at you. You look a fright and I can't believe I never mentioned this before but what's with your hair?

BLACK

Whoa! Do not diss the hair, man.

CAL

I don't know what that means nor do I care.

(taking off his coat)

Here, take my coat that I put the Heart of My Bottom in.

She barely shrugs into it.

BLACK

Wait. Did you put the diamond in the coat?

CAL

Yes, I put the diamond in your coat. So I framed you. Big deal! I had to get rid of you somehow so I had Lovetoy put the necklace in your pocket.

BLACK

Nah, man. That ain't what I meant. I meant—never mind. You'll find out soon enough.

(to Rose)

Go on. I'll get the next one.

ROSE

No. Not without you.

BLACK

Listen, I'll be fine. I'm a survivor. I'm gonna make it. I will survive. What. Keep on survivin'.

CAL

Anyway, I have an arrangement with the officer on the other side of the ship. Black and I can get off safely. Both of us.

BLACK

See, I got my own boat to catch.

CAL

(cheerfully)

Go on. Hurry, they're almost full.

(strained)

Wow, it's really hard pretending to be nice.

Rose steps into the boat.

MILLERLIGHTOLLER

Lower away!

Black and Cal watch as the boat makes its slow descent.

CAL

You're a good liar.

BLACK

Not really. Rose is just really stupid…there's no arrangement is there?

CAL

No, there is. Not that you'll benefit much from it. I always win, Black. One way or another.

BLACK

It's because I'm black, ain't it?

CAL

No, it's because I'm white.

In the boat, Rose stares at Black with tears brimming her eyes. Then she looks over at Cal who flashes her a forced smile then back at Black who is yawning with boredom. Then, it hits her. Cal would never let Black on a boat with him.

In one swift movement she jumps off the lifeboat and lands…in mid-air! She's falling but, luckily, Batman flies by and catches her.

ROSE

Wow, Batman! Thank you. You saved me.

Batman responds in his signature ridiculously deep, throaty voice.

BATMAN

No problem. It's what I—

He starts coughing uncontrollably.

BATMAN(CONT'D)

Don't smoke.

Then, he's gone as quickly as he came.

Black, seeing what has happened, takes off after her, running toward A-Deck.

INT. GRAND STAIRCASE

Black bangs the doors to the foyer open, hitting a man right in the nose. Paying the man no mind, Black keeps running, searching for Rose.

Unfortunately, Rose is still running too, and they smack right into each other. They land on the floor then get up, wincing in pain.

Black embraces Rose, holding on to her with all his might.

BLACK

You're so stupid!

(kisses her)

Why'd you do that, Lily? Huh?

(kisses her)

Why'd you do that, Violet?! You're so stupid, Daisy! Why'd you do that? Why?!

ROSE

I guess you're rubbing off on me.

Cal comes up to the railing and sees them embracing. Lovetoy walks up behind Cal and puts a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to move him away, but Cal whips around, grabbing the gun from Lovetoy's waistband.

Cal runs down the stairs. When he reaches the landing above them, he fires the gun.

The bullet hits a brandy glass being held by a man. The glass shatters in his hand, and the man goes on talking to his snooty friends as I nothing has happened. Black drags Rose toward the stairs that lead down to the deck. Cal shoots again, running down the steps toward them. The bullet flies right by the face of a First Class lady. Black and Rose run down the next flight of stairs.

Cal slips on the spilled brandy, his legs flying out from under him and the gun flying out of his hand. The gun hits the nose of the same man that Black hit in the nose with the door. Cal gets up and retrieves the gun.

INT. D-DECK RECEPTION ROOM

The bottom of the grand staircase is immersed in several feet of water. Black and Rose come down the stairs and run straight into the water. They keep running toward the entrance to the dining saloon.

Cal comes barreling down the stairs and sees Black and Rose splashing through the water on their way to the dining saloon. He fires, and the bullet is going to hit Black right in the heart when Spaghettio jumps right in front of him, taking the bullet instead.

He floats in the water, dead. Black and Rose run on.

The water rises up around Cal's feet, and he goes up the stairs. Lovetoy shows up next to him.

CAL

(pointing to Spaghettio)

That idiotic idiot took the bullet that was meant for Black! I had him too!

Cal looks down at his soaking wet clothes.

CAL(CONT'D)

Nooo! This suit is dry clean only! So is my coat. Wait a minute, I'm not wearing my coat. Rose is…

He starts laughing maniacally.

LOVETOY

What could possibly be funny?

CAL

I put the diamond in the coat. I put the coat on her!

LOVETOY

(chuckling)

That is funny.

INT. GALLEY/STAIRWELL

Black and Rose run through the galley and then down some stairs. They huddle together on the landing, listening for any sign of Cal. Then they hear a SOBBING CHILD. Below them. They go a couple steps to the next deck.

INT. E-DECK CORRIDORS

The corridor has about a foot of water swirling in it. Standing in the middle of the hallway is a little BOY, about 4. He screams for help.

ROSE

We can't leave him.

BLACK

You're right.

ROSE

Okay, so you pick him up and—

She turns to find Black creeping up the stairs.

ROSE(CONT'D)

Black!

BLACK

What? I wasn't leaving. I was just admiring the view of...this white wall.

(sighs)

Fine. I'll get the stupid brat.

Black picks up the kid. At that moment a MAN runs up to Black. He sees the boy in Black's arms and snatches him away.

MAN

(speaking Russian)

How dare you try to save him! I've been trying to kill him for years!

The man runs down the hallway to retrieve his suitcase on the floor. Right when he picks it up, the DOUBLE DOORS that have been holding back the water BLAST open sending a torrent of water their way. It swallows up the man and boy instantly.

Black and Rose make a run for it but cannot outrun the rushing water. They are carried along with it and don't stop until they smack into a steel gate. They use all their force to maneuver themselves up some stairs to their left. Unfortunately, another steel gate blocks their way. The water swirls around their feet and is rising quickly.

A steward scurries by on the other side.

BLACK

Yo! Wait! Please open the gate!

(chuckling)

That rhymed.

ROSE

Help us, please!

The steward ignores them and begins walking u the stairs.

BLACK

Wait! If you open the gate—rhymed again—if you open the gate, she'll show you her boobs.

ROSE

Hey!

The steward stops and turns back around. He takes the keys out of his pocket and goes to the gate.

In one swift movement, Black punches him and snatches the keys. The guy falls to the floor, unconscious.

ROSE

Why did you do that?

BLACK

Sorry. It's just a habit of mine to punch people when I want something from them.

(looks down at the steward)

Haha! Sucka!

Black twirls the key ring around his finger causing him to drop them in the waist high water.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Crap.

ROSE

You freakin' idiot! We're doomed. Doooomed!

BLACK

Shut up. I'll just go under and retrieve them.

He ducks under the water and feels for the keys. Miraculously, he finds them. He picks them up and something else as well. He resurfaces. The water is now up to their chests.

BLACK

Look, Rose! I found a quarter!

ROSE

Open the gate!!

BLACK

Which key is it, Rose?

ROSE

How should I know? The sharp one. Try the sharp one.

BLACK

They're keys! They're all sharp!

ROSE

You're the one who asked!

BLACK

Okay. Eeney meeney miney moe. Catch a tiger by the—

ROSE

There's no time for that!

BLACK

Okay! I'll choose the black one.

(to the key)

Don't let m down brotha.

He puts the key in the lock and it turns. The gate SWINGS OPEN, and they make their way to the stairs on the other side, climbing up to the deck.


	13. Chapter 13

EXT. BOAT DECK, STARBOARD SIDE

Moredick, at collapsible A, is struggling to control the mass of people that are crowd surfing and moshing. Cal and Lovetoy are in the crowd. Cal keeps signaling to Moredick, but he doesn't notice. The mosh pit keeps shoving Cal and Lovetoy in all directions.

Moredick, trying to stop the chaos, pulls out his pistol and aims it the crowd.

MOREDICK

I'll shoot any man who tries to get past me!

The crowd quiets and glances at each other. Then, all at once they surge forward. One man even de-pants Moredick, revealing his frilly pink panties, before the crowd tramples over him. They all get in the lifeboat except for Cal and Lovetoy. Cal walks over to Moredick. He lies on the deck, groaning in pain.

MOREDICK

Help…me.

Cal bends over with his butt sticking straight in the air, which Lovetoy promptly stares at. Then, Cal takes out his money from Moredick's pocket.

Cal proceeds to get in the lifeboat, but Lovetoy doesn't follow because he still stares at Cal in a daze.

CAL

Come on, Lovetoy! Hurry up!

Lovetoy runs toward the lifeboat but trips over Moredick's body, causing him to fall overboard. Cal looks impassively at Lovetoy's lifeless body floating in the water below.

CAL

Hurry up!

INT. FIRST CLASS SMOKING ROOM

Thomas Whoknew stands in front of the fireplace. He sobs uncontrollably. He is the only one in the room.

WHOKNEW

Why?! Whyyyy?!

Black and Rose run through the room, dripping wet. Rose stops when she notices Whoknew.

ROSE

Mr. Whoknew…

WHOKNEW

(wiping snot from his nose)

Oh, hey, Rose.

ROSE

Are you all right?

WHOKNEW

Of course. Why do you ask, dearie?

ROSE

No reason. Won't you even make a try for it?

WHOKNEW

(tears streaming down his face and his voice hiccupping with sobs)

I'm sorry that I didn't build you a stronger ship, young Rose.

ROSE

Yeah, a stronger ship with more lifeboats.

WHOKNEW

(sniffling)

Lifeboats? Are you- are you talking to me like you're my…equal? Again!

He starts hyperventilating.

WHOKNEW(CONT'D)

I can't take it! Aieee!

BLACK

Wow, he's completely nuts. What is wrong with you, Rose?

WHOKNEW

It's too much! Too much!

Black and Rose slowly creep out the aft revolving door.

WHOKNEW(CONT'D)

Hey! Where do you think you're going?

They stop in their tracks. Whoknew picks up his lifebelt and hands it to Rose.

WHOKNEW(CONT'D)

Take this. At least that way you'll freeze to death instead of drowning.

ROSE

Gee. How…thoughtful.

WHOKNEW

It's what I do. Now get out of here before I kill you.

Rose laughs.

ROSE

Oh, Mr. Whoknew.

WHOKNEW

No, seriously. Get out.

Black and Rose run through the revolving door.

EXT. BOAT DECK/BRIDGE

Captain Smithy walks around in a daze. A STEERAGE WOMAN holding a baby comes up to him.

WOMAN

Capitan, Capitan, where should I go?

Smithy slowly turns to her.

SMITHY

You should go long!

He snatches her baby and throws it overboard like it's a football. Then, he runs to the railing.

SMITHY(CONT'D)

Don't worry missy. I'll save yer baby!

He jumps overboard.

EXT. BOAT DECK/PORT

Pandemonium is everywhere. Frantic passengers run helter-skelter. Someone can be heard yelling, "Tag! You're it!"

The band finishes up a song. A man runs into the band leader, WALLACE HARTLEY, as he plays the last note. A fellow band member looks at him depressingly.

MEMBER

What's the use? Nobody's listening to us anyway.

HARTLEY

I'm sorry. Did you say something? I wasn't listening.

MEMBER

(sighing impatiently)

I said, what's the use? Nobody's—

HARTLEY

Yeah, you're really boring me. Let's just play to keep us warm.

They begin to play an orchestral version of "Ice Ice Baby".

EXT. A-DECK AFT, PORT SIDE

Black and Rose run out of the PALM COURT into the moving crowd. Black shoves his way to the rail and surveys the state of the ship. The bridge is completely underwater.

BLACK

Unless this thing can change into a submarine, we're screwed.

ROSE

What do we do, Black?

BLACK

I don't know where all this _we_ is comin' from but I'm gonna keep moving up and stay on this thing as long as possible.

EXT. A-DECK/B-DECK/WELL DECK AFT

Black and Rose climb over the A-Deck aft rail. Then Black picks up Rose and drops her not very gently to the deck below. She lands on her butt, wincing in pain. Black jumps down beside her.

They join a pack of people scrambling and shoving each other to get down the narrow stairs to the well deck.

Seeing that the stairs are useless, Black climbs over the B-Deck railing and helps Rose over. He drops her again, and she lands in a tangled heap. Black keeps moving, not noticing Rose sprawled facedown on the deck.

ROSE

Black!

He stops, turns around, and sees her lying there.

BLACK

Why are you napping? C'mon!

She gets up, and they continue moving along the well deck.

EXT. TIPANIC/BOAT 6

The passengers watch in horror as the bow lowers while the STERN RISES.

MOLLY

Whoa. Raise your hand if you're glad you ain't on that thing.

She raises her own hand laughing. Only Ruthless follows. They quickly lower their hands as the others glower at them.

MOLLY

Oh, come on. I'm trying to lighten the mood.

EXT. STERN

ON THE POOP DECK Black and Rose struggle upwards until they make it to the stern rail. They hold on tightly to the rail, wedged between other people.

Suddenly, the lights of the ship go out all at once. The Tipanic becomes nothing but a shadow. Black squeals like a little girl.

A loud CRACKING NOISE is heard.

BLACK

Dang, Rose. It's bad enough I'm 'bout to die, you gotta fart right next to me.

ROSE

I most certainly did not fart. It sounded like something breaking.

BLACK

(under his breath)

Yeah, you breaking wind.

EXT. BOAT DECK

Near the third funnel the DECK SPLITS apart.

A MAN clings to the railing on the roof of the officer's mess. His eyes widen in horror as the ship's structure RIPS APART right before him. He and tons of others fall into the open space.

The cables on the third funnel snap across the deck. One of the cables hits a man on the butt. He lets out a WHOOP of delight.

MAN

Is it strange that that turned me on?

EXT. TIPANIC-NIGHT

The STERN SECTION of the ship falls back towards the water. Everyone on the poop deck screams, with Black screaming the loudest, as they feel themselves falling toward the water.

Then, the stern begins to move rapidly. As it moves, people begin to fall, some skateboard down the incline of the deck.

BLACK

We need to get to the other side!

He climbs over the railing and reaches out his hand to Rose. She's too scared to move even an inch.

BLACK(CONT'D)

C'mon, I'll pull you over!

ROSE

I can't.

BLACK

It's okay. I've got you. I won't let go and even if I do, you'll be dead so it's not like you can hold it against me.

She grabs his hand, and he hoists her to the other side. The railing is now HORIZONTAL while the deck is VERTICAL.

BLACK

How much you wanna bet I could spit right in that guy's eye?

Rose stares at him incredulously.

BLACK(CONT'D)

Ah, you don't think I can do it? Watch this.

Black hawks a lugee, and it hits the man who is many feet below them. The spit causes the poor man to lose his grip, and he falls, colliding with other people during his descent, causing them to fall as well.

BLACK

How rude. That guy didn't even say excuse me to those people. Anyway, I told you I could do it. Wanna see if I can hit that lady?

ROSE

No!

As the stern section floods, it begins to descend into the water.

BLACK

Okay, rose. This is it. The ship is 'bout to go under. Just keep kickin' for the surface and whatever you do, do not let go of my hand. It's pretty simple. Don't let go of my hand.

Rose nods. Below them the poop deck is disappearing. It keeps going until, finally, the stern descends into the bubbling sea. Black and Rose vanish under the water. The Tipanic is no more.

EXT. OCEAN/UNDERWATER AND SURFACE

Underwater Black and Rose are, amazingly, still holding hands. That is until Black smiles at Rose and gives her a thumbs up of encouragement with the very hand that is holding onto Rose. He is instantly sucked away.


End file.
